Jesus is close

In 2012 after many years of trying to start our family, Mark and I were overjoyed to discover that I was miraculously pregnant. We were so overwhelmed with joy after 5 years of infertility and soon shared the incredible news with our family and church friends! Shortly after, we were greeted by the news that our baby was not "viable" and on October 4th, 2012 I suffered the loss of our beloved son. The Lord showed me that his name was to be Justus and from the moment he departed this world I fell into a deep pit of depression. For the next few years I went to church, smiled outwardly and worked as a church secretary, worship leader and private music teacher. On the outside I was all smiles and resilience, but in my innermost parts I was devastated.

One evening as I laid face down on my sofa, crying out to God, a still, small voice spoke to me and said, "Get up." My heart immediately quickened and I sat bolt upright on the couch. The Holy Spirit continued, "Get up. For you have an enemy that does not get tired or weary and he wants to murder your soul. And if you are not serving My purpose you are serving his."

In that moment I was both convicted and liberated. Convicted because I had spent 2 years laying face down in my own sorrows. Liberated because I suddenly knew that God was close to me. He was telling me how to overcome my broken heart and He was warning me to stay on the path He had set before me. Suddenly realizing that God was not done with me, I sat up, dried my eyes and went about the Lord's work.

I imagine that must have been how King David felt after the death of his child with Bathsheba. After pleading with the Lord, but losing his child, he got up and washed his face. He turned back to God's purpose and in so doing became a man who would shape the history of the world.

8 years (and 4 kids later), Mark and I once again found ourselves in the depth of an anguish that tried our faith. In May 2020 our son, Levi, was diagnosed with Autism. But the official diagnosis wasn't the beginning of our heartache. We had watched our son struggle for almost a year before his diagnosis. When we finally heard the prognosis, we were already broken in spirit. But because of our loss in 2012, we knew where to turn from the first . Our new album, "Songs of Faith & Failings," is the result of our time walking in despair and heartache. Through this time we have discovered again that Jesus is close to the brokenhearted, and He binds up our wounds. Even when we are angry. Even when we mess up. And when we feel like we are falling apart, He hangs on to us without ever loosening His grip.

All for love's sake. All because of His love.

So if you are hurting right now, please remember that God has a plan for your life, and He is standing beside you right now. He is a big God and He won't stop holding on to you no matter how frail your faith is, or how little strength you have. You will get through this. I know you will. Because if Jesus could hold me together after the death of a child, and the diagnosis of another, I know He is big enough for you, too.

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. I pray today you will feel His presence and know He is near.